Clean
by A Tomato Llama's World
Summary: As I turned to leave, I felt a mildly strong gust of wind blow against my face and a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. I think I'm finally clean. Warning: some swearing, substance abuse and depression (might trigger something) and character death. Songfic-ish. Happy end Ereri.


**Hey guys! First Ereri fic! :D Based from Taylor Swift's song "Clean". Ever notice how my debut fics for my ships are always angst? But then I've only written about Shizaya so far but anyways...  
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 **Do not own Shingeki no Kyojin, it's characters and I do not own the song.**

* * *

I woke up with my head throbbing. Sunlight seeped in through the blinds waking me from my slumber. I thought for sure that would be the end of me, but apparently I live to see another day. My wrists had been bandaged and my room had been swept clean of the empty bottles and cigarettes. I forced myself up, much to my body's reluctance. I stood up -a bit uneasily I might add- and shuffled out of my room and into the kitchen. To my surprise, Mikasa stood there before the stove preparing an omelette.

"Oi. How and why are you in my apartment?" I asked, slightly irritated. She turned and looked at me coolly like she always does.

"I have an extra set of keys and I just thought I'd drop by to see how you were doing," she paused, looking sad but still forcing a thin smile. "I take it the relapse wasn't fun."

"Goddammit Mikasa! I don't need you to babysit me! I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself so quit being such a pain in my ass!" It might be harsh, but damn was I not in the mood to be pitied. She set breakfast down on the table and looked at me. She looked hurt. She _was_ hurt. Having to put on such a strong front for a pathetic weakling such as myself, it has to be hard on her.

"Except you're not, Eren."

"I am capable! Now leave me the fuck alone and quit smothering me!" My eyes were watery and crying in frustration and anger was not too far off an act for me to do. She closed the distance between us and held onto me tightly. I couldn't break free from her. I was weak. I am weak.

"Eren, everyone's been worried about you. You never return calls or texts, you've lost a significant amount of weight, all you do is stay here or at a bar completely destroying yourself. You're not the same Eren-"

"Of course I'm not!" I said, finally breaking down and sobbing. "How can I be without him?"

* * *

How long has it been since his death?

One thing I do know is from that day onwards, I've never stopped missing Levi. He was a surgeon, his specialty was in cardiac surgery. He was considered the best in his field and his dedication to his profession and his determination to save the lives of his patients was admirable. He was truly an amazing person.

There had been a convention held overseas and he had been invited to give a lecture about his field. He never really liked giving lectures or speaking to other people but it was almost always mandatory for him to attend. So he went. Funny how the cards turned for Levi because just as they were about to reach their destination, the plane's engines malfunctioned.

The last I heard of him was through a phone call. Amidst all the panic and terrified screams his voice stood out clear as day.

 _"Eren, I love you."_

Ever since that day, I basically stopped functioning. I myself was a nurse at the Trost General Hospital, the same place

Levi worked...the place we had met. I stopped making rounds and I hardly came in for work. I stopped eating properly. I quickly became an alcoholic and started smoking. With the way I overdid both substances, I'm surprised that I'm still alive. My grief came to a point that I began seeing Levi wherever I went. It wasn't just flashes and glimpses but it was like he was flesh and bone. Sometimes he'd even talk to me. But he wasn't really talking to me, he was just a broken record player. He was just repeating sentences and conversations we had in the past so nothing I asked or said was really being acknowledged. Any form of physical pain lifted my emotional pain and there have been so many times I thought I've finally found my oblivion.

The only thing stopping me from killing myself was my best friends: Armin and Mikasa. They're more than what I asked for. We've stuck together through thick and thin and my situation was no different. They took me to see a therapist once they found me passed out among multiple empty bottles and a few half empty pill bottles. I admit I had been stubborn but it actually helped me out. For a while I thought I was getting better. I was wrong. I relapsed. I missed Levi so much and the only way I knew that could help me cope with it the best was through my destructive ways. Aside from Levi, I missed the thrill of tearing my skin open, the nauseating thirst for poison, the scent of noxious air...but they were observant and sent me back to my doctor. Dr. Hanji is pretty good at what she does. She gets me to cooperate in a matter of minutes and I end up following her. I've seen her deal with a couple of other "clients" and even with the most difficult she handles them with ease.

"Oh hello Eren~ It's been a while!" she said enthusiastically. She creeps me out with her high energy, but maybe I was just more used to the quiet, broodiness of Levi.

"I guess it has..." I say awkwardly.

"So," she began, resting her head on her palms. "How are you?"

* * *

I decided to take a break from my self-loathing and went out for a stroll through the forest. It was a peaceful place with variety of birds singing in a variety of melodies. There was even a lake with an old pier. Levi and I used to go there a lot. It was the perfect place to go star gazing. It still is. The lake should be frozen over seeing how it's mid-December. His birthday would be right around the corner.

As I walked down the path, I caught sight of the pier and the lake, and another couple was on the pier. I thought of turning back when I realized that they were fighting. And the man looked really pissed. I don't know why but I quickened my pace, not once taking my eyes off of them. I made it into the clearing and before I could call out he picked her up and threw into the lake, far enough that she couldn't make it to the pier. The ice caved in and the girl was struggling in the freezing water.

"OI YOU BASTARD WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" I yelled, furious. I was on the pier and he and I locked eyes for a moment before he tackled me, landing a few punches but I felt an incredible surge of anger and power course through me. I was smaller than him no doubt but I managed to throw him off me with a couple of punches and kicked him off me. He took off in a sprint. I took out my phone and made a quick call to 911 telling them about the situation and our whereabouts.

"Help is on the way" she said and I clicked end.

With my adrenaline pumping I took off my coat and scarf and dove into the water. I got to her just as she lost consciousness and pulled us back up the pier. I checked her pulse and when I found she had none, I performed CPR. I gave five pumps to her chest before I gave her 2 breaths. When that didn't work, I tried again. By the fourth cycle, she sputtered awake coughing up the water that got into her. Between coughs she took in as much air as she could. After getting her to remove her own drenched coat, I immediately wrapped mine around her and embraced her. She was shivering wildly but she was alive.

"It's alright. Everything's going to be OK." Just as I said this, sirens were blaring and an ambulance came into view. The medics came to us, carrying her and ushering me into the ambulance. They kept us in check and when we got to the hospital, I let them take care of her while I warmed myself up with a cup of coffee.

While waiting, I decided to report the incident to the nearest Trost precinct which conveniently enough was next to the hospital. I just gave them a description of what I saw and they said they would find him and then contact me to identify the assailant. I went back to the hospital to check on the girl. She had blond hair and ocean blue eyes. But her beauty was so...ethereal. Like she was a goddess or something. Her smile was blinding.

"Thank you very much for saving my life" she said near in tears. "I don't know how to repay you."

"I-it's nothing at all. I'm just glad you're alright now" I said, smiling awkwardly. "What's your name?"

"My name is Krista. I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience and for soaking your coat and scarf."

"It's no problem at all. My name is Eren by the way." I gave her some hot coffee I picked up from the hospital canteen and she duly thanked me. "I don't mean to be rude but while you were resting I reported the incident to the Trost precinct. They said they'd be contacting me to point out the guy and then they'd contact you if you want to press charges." She nodded grimly.

"Again, thank you for this. I'll handle this issue from here. I guess it's time I stopped trying to pretend that he wasn't hurting me this whole time" she said smiling sadly. Before I left, I let her borrow my phone to call her friend Ymir and then got my own coat and scarf and left the building.

...

"Oh hello Eren~ It's been a while!" she said enthusiastically. She still creeps me out with her high energy but this time I couldn't help but feel high in spirit as well.

"Ten months to be exact," I said. "And getting better and better every day."

"That's great news! What else is going on with you?"

"Actually, a lot happened in the last 10 months. Not all were bad but it really began with this one incident." I told her about the incident at the lake with Krista. Dr. Hanji listened, head nodding. And then I told her about the recent happenings in my life with regards to my social life and my job.

When I finished she asked me a question.

"That must have been an ordeal. But clearly it's made an important impact on you from what you've told me, right?"

I nodded. "When I began my walk, I felt this overwhelming need to do good. Like I wanted to be of help. I wanted to be useful to someone else because I was damn sure I was anything but useful to myself. I guess I kind of felt like if I did good to some other person even if I wasn't doing good to myself, I could be happy. I know you can't give what you don't have but that's what I felt. I wasn't expecting it to be in that manner though. In that moment when I was sure that Krista was going to lose her life at my hands, I felt so determined not to let that happen. I was terrified and almost desperate.

But when she opened her eyes, it was like a giant load was lifted off my shoulders and then I realized something. There are so many people in this world trying their hardest to live. And there are even more people trying their hardest to keep these people living. I thought, 'Is this what it's like for Levi?'. To have been given the title of being the best must've added to the weight on his shoulders. What am I doing? I'm giving up. I'm trying my hardest to give up my life because shit happened. I was being so damn ungrateful and I was acting incredibly selfish.

I went home that night feeling immense guilt for my actions. I felt guilty for making Mikasa and Armin and everyone else worry and to some extent suffer because I wasn't getting my shit together. It was with Levi that I felt the biggest amount of guilt and shame. I was being such a letdown, trying to kill myself when Levi dedicated his life to saving the people who've been fighting for their lives. I decided that that would be the last time I try to end my life. I decided that it was time I repay him and everyone else.

Going back to Trost General is a long shot. I mean who would hire someone like me? Instead I decided I was going to be a teacher. I'd teach Biology, probably some Anatomy classes for would be med-students. I won't lie, whenever I have a shitty day or I'm just missing Levi it got pretty tempting to down an entire case of beer and tearing my skin apart but then I had to remind myself that I needed to get better. For Levi and for everyone else. I wasn't gonna risk it."

Dr. Hanji had the widest grin on her face. "And now you're here clean and sober." I smiled, feeling proud.

"Ten months. I also found that regularly meeting up with Mikasa and Armin and all our other friends is a great way to distract me from any destructive relapses. I visit Levi's grave often. You know, for comfort."

She beamed. "That's good to hear! I'm very happy to hear of your recovery Eren. Dare I say I'm very proud of you."

"Thank you also for the help." She smiled.

"Aww~ You're welcome." She scribbled something on her clipboard and then looked back at me.

"Ne Eren. Are you really serious about teaching?" I shrugged. I mean I want to, I just didn't know how to get there.

"I'll give it some time -just to make sure you won't relapse- but if you convince me that you're well enough, I could sign a letter of approval -psyche clearance- so that you could return to working at Trost General." I was speechless.

"You...you could do that?" I mumbled. She nodded. "I do want to get back to helping people..."

"Eren, either job you choose you'll be helping a great deal of people. Anyways, I have to make sure you're 110% recovered before I sign your clearance so feel free to schedule an appointment with me at any time. You seem pretty well to me."

I can't believe it. I thanked her for the for the last time and left the office where I was greeted by a number of faces, all of whom were my friends. I never thought I'd make it this far. I live to see another day.

...

"Hey" I whispered. "The weather's been unpredictable and shitty lately. Downpours one minute then the sun's beating down on everyone. It's annoying as hell." I gingerly placed the bouquet of white lilies in front of the marker and then sat cross legged on the grass. "Today however is a pretty good day. The sun's shining but there's a cool breeze blowing so it balances. I have some great news Levi. I'm going back to Trost General tomorrow. What's even better is that the head gave me a schedule that works well with my teaching job at Trost District High. Who knew Erwin was such an easygoing guy? It's no wonder everyone likes him. Did you know I've obtained a nickname? Jean calls me a suicidal blockhead. I probably would've bashed his face in if I heard him call me that but I actually find it funny. Kinda has a nice ring to it.

"It's been 6 years, Levi. Six years since you've been gone. Six years of breaking, of being fixed, of relapsing. A lot happened in those six years and I could just imagine how difficult it must be for you to watch me spiral downward. I'll say it again: I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for being such a disappointment and for being so fucking weak. But despite being caged all those years, I looked up and took flight. I hope you're proud of me." My voice began to shake and my eyes began to water. "It took a while but I learned how to fly. It's tough without you but I think I can manage now."

I took a deep breath and said, "I miss you. And I love you. Time and time again, I'll never stop saying I love you." I stood up and brushed the dirt off my pants. "I have to go now. Since it's Thursday, I invited Mikasa and Armin to help me out with cleaning the apartment. And yes, I'll see to it that not a single speck of dust remains. I'll see you next time."

As I turned to leave, I felt a mildly strong gust of wind blow against my face and I could've sworn I heard Levi's voice. It must be my imagination but it was as though a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. It felt like I was truly living in the present. I think I'm finally clean.

* * *

 **In case you have a hard time understanding the flow of time the line breaks indicate past setting while the dot breaks indicate the present. The way I wrote it is that it alternate between present time and past (to when Eren's depression first began along with his sessions with Hanji).  
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 **The first verse goes from the beginning to the Krista incident, the bridge goes to his (present) visit with Hanji, and the chorus goes to the very end. Hope you like it!**


End file.
